God Marriage

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

You're no doubt aware of the current debate raging throughout North America concerning the definition of marriage. Should it be limited to the traditional view of marriage as being exclusively between one man and one woman, or are there other options?

So far, most people seem to at least agree that it should only involve two people, though that may soon be up for discussion too. Would I surprise you if I argued that a truly great marriage involves not two people, but three?

No, I'm not promoting polygamy. For over 35 years now, my relationship with Donalyn has been a relationship of three. Even while we were dating, we used the heart symbol with a 3 in it when we signed letters, notes and cards. It meant just that: there are three people in this relationship - God, her and I. It seems to be working pretty well for us.

The Bible says, "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken" (Eccl. 4:12). Nowhere is this more relevant than in a marriage. When God is part of a marriage, He provides a strength and stability that no couple can achieve on their own.

Where does God fit in a marriage, you ask? Right in the centre. And here's what that looks like.

God makes us look in the mirror

When Adam was confronted by God in the Garden of Eden after eating the forbidden fruit, he immediately pointed the finger at Eve: "She made me do it!"

Ever since then, couples have found themselves getting caught up in playing the blame game. We've all done it, haven't we? "There's a problem in my marriage, but it couldn't possibly be my fault. You have no idea what it's like to live with her!"

It's never hard to find fault in others - especially in those we know best. But it's not always so easy to see it in ourselves. We've got these blind spots when it comes to evaluating our own character, so when our spouse points out things that we might need to change, many of us resort to defensiveness rather than facing the issue.

When God is at the centre of a marriage, He doesn't let us get off so easy. He says, "Let me worry about changing your spouse - you focus on changing yourself." When we open ourselves up to His direction, God reveals those blind spots and gives us the courage to address them. Now, it's not always a fun process, but I'll tell you what: a marriage between two people who are both dealing with their own junk will be a lot more successful than a marriage of two people who are trying to change each other.

God enables us to treat our spouse well

When Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn were preparing to write their bestselling books For Women Only and For Men Only , they interviewed thousands and men and women about what they need most from their spouse. Their conclusion: women need love, men need respect.

Well, that wasn't a surprise to God, because over 2,000 years ago He instructed us in the Bible: "Men, love your wives, and women, respect your husbands."

God knows your needs, and He has brought you and your spouse together to meet those needs in one another. Too often, though, we fail to treat each other with the love and respect God calls us to. In fact, we might find ourselves treating everyone else better than we treat our own family. We're nice at work and in our public life, and then we come home and dump on the ones we are supposed to love the most.

When God is at the centre of a marriage, He changes all that. He not only tells us to love our family, but as we allow Him to work in us He changes us and motivates us to treat them well. And that begins an amazing cycle: as I am patient and encouraging towards my wife, she enjoys our marriage more and continues to grow as a wife. We get some positive momentum going and the marriage really becomes a fun place to be.

God allows our friendship to warm up to the point we like our marriage

There are a lot of couples out there today who are merely tolerating their marriages. They're either just hanging on for the kids' sake, or they've accepted a mediocre marriage and are just going through the motions, thinking "this is as good as it gets."

God wants so much more for you. He wants us to be captivated by each other (Prov. 5:18). He calls us to take time for each other, to put our spouse's needs ahead of our own, and to show each other love in tangible ways that build real connectedness.

God did not put you together for you to be miserable - or even just bored. When God is at the centre of a marriage, it means we are treating each other the way He wants us to - and that can only lead to a deep friendship that keeps growing through the years.

God's gentle push toward reconciliation cannot be avoided

The two most powerful words in the English language can also be two of the hardest to speak: "I'm sorry." And when they are spoken, they ask for a response that can be just as difficult: "I forgive you."

Let me be clear: you will never have a good marriage unless you and your spouse both master these phrases. Regardless of your intentions or excuses, you will both screw up many times. We all do. The question is not, are you going to have tough times in your marriage? The question is, what are you going to do about them?

When God is at the centre of a marriage, bitterness and unforgiveness are not an option. The Bible says He will forgive us only to the extent that we forgive others (Matt. 18:35). It also reminds us of how much we have been forgiven ourselves, which tends to put things in perspective. God requires that we have the humility both to apologize and to forgive, and as we do so He replaces isolation with intimacy.

God declares that all He made is good

Marriage gets a bad rap today. Many think it's an outdated institution; something that shackles a person and limits their options in life, instead of setting them free to become all that they can be.

But marriage was created by God, and He declared it to be very good - and not just marriage, but sex too. While some people view God as a sexual killjoy, the truth is that God wants you to celebrate your sexuality as a married couple. God gives sexual guidelines not to keep people from having fun, but because He knows that sex can only be all He created it to be within the context of a loving, committed marriage.

When God is at the centre of a marriage, He gives a couple freedom to embrace and enjoy their sexuality. If you don't believe me, check out the Song of Songs! God removes the barriers to good sex and invites us to drink our fill (SS 5:1). Instead of passion fading away as we age, God rekindles a spark of captivation and helps us discover that love can actually get more passionate as we grow older together.

God leads us through trials so our crises don't drive us apart

All couples face tough seasons. As we've already said, it is a certainty that your marriage will face trials. Sometimes they come from within, but many times they come from outside forces: illness, death, financial hardship, unexpected moves or career changes, wayward kids, in-law troubles… the list goes on.

These kinds of stresses can break the back of even a great marriage. An external trial can become an internal trial when we don't deal properly with the pressures of life and instead take out our frustrations on our spouse and kids.

But when God is at the centre of our marriage, we find that He can use trials and troubles to draw us together as a couple, instead of driving a wedge between us. He reminds us of His loving plan and assures us He is walking through the darkness with us. He rekindles the awareness that my mate is not the enemy - we are in this together. He gives us peace through the storm and enables us to come out the other side stronger than ever.

The Difference God Makes

Having God as part of your life and marriage doesn't guarantee that you will never face struggles. You are still two imperfect people living in an imperfect world, and that doesn't change when God is in the picture. What does change is that your marriage becomes a work in progress that gets better every year. You will like it more, and people will notice - not least of all your kids, as you leave a legacy of impact and lay down a healthy pattern for them to follow. Never discount the power of three.

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC, and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie, a television program airing weekly across Canada.