His Needs, Her Needs

Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

You don't have to have a Ph.D. in relationships to understand that men and women are different… very different. We won't list the ways; you can likely look at your own marriage and come up with a much longer list than we could cover here.

We live in an age where a lot of effort is put into denying or minimizing the differences between the genders. What began as a good thing - a desire to recognize and honour the value and equality of women - has taken a negative turn towards eliminating the diversity that God created between the sexes. Instead of affirming masculinity and femininity, both sides are pushed in towards the centre.

But none of this can change the basic truth that there are very real differences. And it's not just physical differences, but a completely different emotional make-up. What we need to understand is that this is not only acceptable; it is good.

One, But Not the Same

There's a reason that opposites attract. Differences in personalities, strengths, preferences and needs are designed to complement one another. Think of it this way: if you were running an organization, it wouldn't be wise to hire only people who think just like you, who are strong in the areas of your strength, and who only like doing the things that you like doing. You would wind up with a dysfunctional, one-dimensional organization that would be completely ineffective. Instead, what you need is a well-balanced team that brings a variety of perspectives and skills to the table.

The same holds true in a marriage. The differing needs innate in men and women are designed to work in concert to create a stronger union. It takes some adjustment to each other, for sure. For the longest time I thought Donalyn was just whacked for how she thought, because it was so foreign to me. But once I understood that both of our ways of operating are legitimate, I discovered that we make much better decisions when we come together and pool our strengths.

Work to Understand

Of course, the differences between spouses extend far beyond just male-female differences. The general differences are just that: generalizations. They apply differently to every couple. And to add a further level of complication, there are complex personality differences from one person to another even within the genders.

Functioning effectively as a couple requires that you understand your spouse's unique needs. But because every person is one-of-a-kind, there's no shortcut. There will never be a book written that will tell you everything you need to know about your spouse. The only way to do it is to work hard to understand what makes your spouse tick. What does he or she really need from you, if you are going to be the best possible partner to them?

It's not something that will be discovered in the course of one conversation. It's part of the journey of marriage - something that unfolds over a lifetime lived in tandem. As you walk together through the peaks and valleys, you will continually gain new insights into one another and how you best fit together.

When In Doubt, Ask

There's a misconception, particularly among women I think, that "if he really loved me, he'd know what I need." In an ideal world that might be nice, but the reality is, we are different. If I think differently from you, how can I always know what you want? Yes, over time, we begin to learn more about each other and we are better able to anticipate one another's needs, but there will never come a time when we fully know one another's minds.

That being the case, here's a suggestion: when in doubt, ask. This works both ways. If your spouse isn't meeting a need that you think they should be meeting, instead of stewing about it, talk to them. Describe your need and why you feel the way you do, and ask them for what you want.

On the other hand, if you sense your spouse needs something from you but you have no idea what it is, simply say, "what do you need from me right now?" Ask that question, listen to what your husband or wife says, and then do whatever you can to meet the need. Resist the urge to discount what they say, and ask yourself what you can do to serve them and make their life easier. As you do this, you will start to see life from their perspective.

Enter Their World

If you really want to understand your spouse's perspective, you need to make an effort to enter their world. That means if the guy needs recreational companionship, the wife needs to engage with him in that somehow. Go golfing with him, or fishing. Take in a sporting event together. And if the woman has high conversation needs, the husband needs to be willing to go there with her. Go for coffee a couple times a week to reconnect, and learn to share what's going on inside yourself too.

As you make this effort to meet each other's needs in a tangible way, you will not only grow in your appreciation of one another, but you may even discover that you like doing some of those things you had never tried. If not, at least you will be building into your relationship in a significant way - and you will never regret making the effort to strengthen your marriage.

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC, and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie, a television program airing weekly across Canada.