I'm Sorry: The Art of Apology

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

When Ryan O'Neal uttered these words in the movie Love Story, he spoke one of the most enduring lines in cinematic history. Unfortunately, he also offered up one of the worst pieces of marital advice you're ever likely to hear.

Contrary to what O'Neal's character believed, love is having to say you’re sorry… again, and again, and again. I can unequivocally tell you that you cannot have a great relationship with any other person on this earth unless you are ready, willing and able to make amends and put things right when you screw up.

Nowhere is this more relevant than within a marriage - and, apparently, nowhere is it more difficult.

Marriage Uncensored recently conducted a survey with a simple question: to whom in your life do you find it most difficult to apologize? More than anyone else, respondents identified their spouse.

Considering the frequency with which most of us have to apologize to our spouse, you'd think we'd get the hang of it. But there's just something about it that makes it very difficult. Maybe we are desperate to cling to our last vestige of pride in front of the one person who knows our every flaw all too well. Maybe because we know all our partner's faults, we don't feel like we owe them an apology. Or perhaps it's the high stakes that are involved - the fear of what we could lose if they don't accept our apology.

Whatever the source of trepidation, we'd best overcome it, because the need to swallow hard and say, "I'm sorry" isn't going to go away any time soon. Collisions, misunderstandings and hurt feelings are the inevitable result whenever two imperfect people attempt to co-exist. When it happens, here's what to do.

Clean Up Your Messes

Most of us don’t like to admit we’re wrong, let alone come out and apologize. Doing so forces us to admit to another person - and, even worse, to ourselves - that we don't have it all together. It's not easy to swallow our pride and own up to what we've done. Not easy, but so necessary.

Imagine a world where everybody took ownership of their mistakes; where no one played the blame game or ducked responsibility for their missteps. How much more peaceful and pleasant would that be? Now imagine that scenario in the context of your home. Is that a home you'd like to live in? How you respond to your own failures will set the pattern that others in your family will follow when they mess up.

The complication is that, many times, the fault does not lie entirely with one person or the other, but somewhere in the middle. And so we wait for our spouse to make the first move, thinking, "When they tell me they're sorry, they'll hear it back." We wait, and the mess just gets bigger.

Someone's got to make the first move. Why not let that someone be you? Be the first one to approach the other person and say, "You know what? I was wrong in what I did. I'm sorry I hurt you. Will you please forgive me?" You will be amazed at how quickly the ice can thaw with a heartfelt apology.

Keep Short Accounts

It's so tempting to put off an apology, isn't it? We think, "If I just let this slide for a few days, it'll blow over." Occasionally, it happens. What happens more often, though, is bitterness develops. The gulf between you and your spouse widens. The need for an apology grows, but so too does the difficulty involved in making one.

That's why it's better to do it sooner than later. The sooner you can admit you've made a mistake, the easier it's going to be to make amends, and the more receptive your spouse is going to be to your efforts. So don't put it off. Keep short accounts by seeking forgiveness as soon as you realize you've gone off course.

I'd recommend that once a week, you and your spouse go for coffee and make sure your relational house is in order. Talk about what's been going on lately, and check to see that you are still totally onside with one another. That will keep any problems that have cropped up from growing out of control.

Go All the Way

We've all been on the receiving end of a half-hearted apology. The words are there, but there's no heart behind it. That kind of apology may as well not be spoken, because it does nothing to heal the rift that has developed in the relationship.

What is really needed is a complete apology. A complete apology is one that admits to the wrong, without making excuses. It's one in which the person takes responsibility for what they've done wrong, without tacking on accusations of wrongdoing by the other person. It's one that sincerely seeks forgiveness and restoration of the relationship. And it's one that makes a commitment not to act that way again in the future, while looking for ways to mend the damage that's been done this time.

This kind of apology comes at a price. It costs you your pride, and it costs you your right to get even for any perceived wrongs that have been committed against you. But at the heart of this complete apology is the notion that the relationship is more important than your pride, your rights, and your desire to be in control. That's what it takes to build a marriage that will weather the storms of conflict and misunderstanding.

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness holds relationships together. It doesn’t matter who you are, there’s something powerful that happens when someone says, “I’m sorry; I was wrong.” There’s a melting of the heart that takes place when we hear those words. When you are willing to apologize and make amends, you have more than a fighting chance of having a real life Love Story.

So what are you waiting for? Show your love by saying you're sorry.

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie, a television program airing Sundays on CanWest Global stations across Canada.