Talking Sex: Q&A with Dave and Donalyn Currie

I don’t think my husband understands my sexual needs. I know I should talk to him about it, but I’m really uncomfortable discussing these things. What do you suggest?

Dave: The fear of being uncomfortable talking about sexual issues isn’t unique to you. Somehow we think that this area will look after itself, and that my spouse will naturally understand and meet my sexual needs. Surprise! It’s going to take some work.

Donalyn: You definitely do need to address these needs. You don’t want to let them become frustrations that grow into bitterness and cause distance between you. As women we tend to think, "If he really loved me, he'd know what I need." But it's unrealistic to expect our man to think like a woman. And if your husband doesn’t know what you’re thinking and feeling, he can't do what he was made to do: be your knight in shining armor and fix the problem that has his damsel in distress.

Dave: That's bang on. You have to individually take responsibility for having your sexual needs met. While it is true that it is better to give than to receive, articulating your wishes and wants to your mate and continuing to share your perspective on sexual preferences until you feel complete is essential. You cannot expect anything to change between you sexually if you don't change anything in how you are approaching your times of intimacy.

Donalyn: I understand that this can be a very difficult thing to verbalize to your husband. We women have been taught all our lives that it is not proper to discuss the specifics of the pleasures of sex. But it's essential to the health of your marriage that you overcome that hurdle. And it may help you to understand that there is nothing that gives a man deeper joy than the knowledge that he is bringing great sexual satisfaction to his wife. This is the one thing that to a man screams his masculinity. So although it might be a hard topic to bring up, you will likely find that your husband is eager to know what brings you sexual pleasure.

Dave: That's right. Most men are interested in anything that will enhance their sex life - even if it requires them opening up a bit. But before you even get to that talk, the first step is to understand for yourself what your sexual needs are. What is it, exactly, that you think you are currently missing? And don't just focus on the physical. Sexual problems are often just manifestations of deeper problems with the relationship. If either of you are harbouring any hard feelings or bitterness towards the other, this will have to be addressed before moving onto the sexual area.

Donalyn: As you work through your own thoughts, try writing down exactly what you want to tell your husband. I personally need to write things down. Then I can analyze what I want to say and make sure it comes out right.

Dave: Once you have written out your thoughts, agree with your husband on a time to talk with him regarding your sexual relationship. Don't catch him by surprise. Plan it for a time that will be good for both of you - and never during or just after a time of sexual intimacy together.

Donalyn: When you have the discussion, keep the list in front of you if you need it. It would be best to say these things directly to your husband rather than give him a letter. But if you really need help to get started, read to him what you have written. The important thing is that you fully share your heart, your needs, your passions and anything else that would help him understand your sexuality.

Dave: Absolute transparency is critical. You need to be brave. Don’t shy away from sharing what you're really feeling. Take courage from the knowledge that God wants you to have a satisfying sex life, and it is possible. The turnaround can begin with this talk.

Donalyn: As you work through it, remember that your goal is to honor him because you love him and want every aspect of your relationship to be all it can be. Make sure he knows it. Rather than just dwelling on the negative, tell him all the things that you love, both about your relationship and also about your lovemaking. He may be discouraged to learn that he has not been fully satisfying you sexually, so anything you can do to affirm him at this point would be valuable.

Dave: An important part of this discussion will be to sort out why he doesn't understand your sexual needs. Here are some of the more common reasons I've found as I've counseled couples in this area:

• He may be selfish; content to have his needs met leaving well enough alone when it comes to yours.

• He may be immature and not care about your needs.

• He may be naïve; assuming that your needs are being met since his are, and you haven’t said anything to this point.

• He may be uneducated about female sexual needs and how to fully meet them to the point of climax for you.

• He may be discouraged about his past failures to satisfy and has given up.

• He may be impatient about the amount of time needed to see your level of arousal increase to the point of real sexual pleasure for you.

Whatever the case, these problems can be overcome with a commitment to serve one another, education and - of course - lots of practice!

Donalyn: Make sure that you don't come at him like it's all his fault. This is a problem that you need to own together. Apologize for holding back on vital information that could make your love life even more exciting. Concentrate on using “I feel” and “I need” statements, rather than making him feel like he is just out to lunch. And be sure to ask him if he has questions or wants to discuss it. Give him a chance to open up and discuss what he needs from you. Be prepared to make changes in order to better meet his needs as well. This is a two-way street.

Dave: This may be a new idea for you, but consider adding a spiritual dimension to your lovemaking. After you talk about it, pray together about your sexual relationship. God really is interested, and He wants your sex life to be hot. (Don't take my word for it; read the Song of Songs.) Try praying before or after love-making to increase the bond of intimacy. I recommend that you don’t try praying during the act…it doesn't tend to work too well.

Donalyn: This is not an issue that will go away with one talk. You will need to keep an open dialog as your preferences and needs change. As things come up, work hard to discuss them right away; in fact, plan on setting aside time to talk about your sexual relationship monthly, at least until you have worked through these particular issues. Over time, grow in your freedom to try new things together, have fun together, and to enjoy each other.

Dave: Finally, try reading a good book on sex together. Or if you want to play into his world since most guys aren’t avid readers, watch Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie online together. That would be a great place for you to start.